Just 12 hours ago I was on cloud-9, excited about the rapid changes that were soon going to be happening in our family. We had been identified by a birth mother as the family she wanted for her baby. We were shocked and excited. We had heard about "the call" but now it had happened to us. The next day (last Friday) we sent a message back wanting to double-check that the birth mother was okay with the fact that we were pregnant. At 11am today the answer to our question came back: the birth mother had reconsidered.
She, upon reflecting on the due date, realized that they would be very close in age. This was something that we were actually excited about, but not something that she wanted to chose for her child.
So, now, I sit here, in shock. In shock that it hurts so much. A bit of whiplash from the sudden change of direction. Wondering 'what's God doing?' Feeling like I crashed into a brick wall at 400 miles per hour.
The only thing that I seem to be able to think is "I didn't know it would hurt this much." I'm surprised at how little time it takes to become attached to a person that I have never met. I think, maybe it's the idea of adoption, and not this child. Then I remember, I've been here before and I didn't feel like this.
But this one thing I know; I know that God is for me and not against me. That even though it feels like he is crushing me, that it His good pleasure to work into me the very things that I need. That I will run to Him rather than from Him. Even in the midst of the pain.
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I'm so bummed! I'm sorry, you guys. :( I already loved her, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sad to hear that! :( I will definitely be praying that God comes through for you guys in a powerful way! Miss you guys! :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I so understand your feelings. Adoption is a hard road to walk.....
ReplyDeleteI am reading this again - because since February we have lost 5 domestic matches. we have lost so much money - and still our arms are empty. I cannot understand any of it.
ReplyDeleteWow. 5. My heart breaks for you.
ReplyDeleteCourtney, you have been and are such an encouragement to us. I pray that the Lords strengthens you and gives you renewed hope. As I prayed for you this morning, I felt that the Lord is so glad over you, for you have His heart. He too pursues lost lambs with unrelenting passion and love. And He too endures disappointed hopes. But He never stops, and He loves that you won't either. No matter how much it hurts.
ReplyDeleteYou make me think of Philippians 3:10, for you are sharing in His sufferings and becoming like him. Bless you.