What I Really Want

The other day I was sitting the the prayer room at RHOP. I was struggling with the sensation that I was wasting my time; that I would be happier if I was at home doing something useful.

I raised the prayer to God: "Do I really want to be here?"

I heard the familiar whisper of God in my spirit "YOU REARRANGE YOUR SCHEDULE TO BE HERE."

I thought about this for a few minutes. I thought. I do move things around in my schedule to make space to be here. I value my time. Though I struggle with the actual enjoying of the prayer room, I do still come. If I make space in my schedule to be here, I must want to be here. I thought wanting would feel different.

I thought wanting would feel different.

Wanting is a sensation to be sure. But my reason for being in the prayer room. For seeking the presence of God goes deeper than a want. It goes deeper than a strong desire. I enter his presence almost as an instinct.

There is something deep inside me that needs to be in His presence. This drives me, it compels me, to carve out time in my schedule for Him. To meet Him in the prayer room. To talk with Him. To learn about Him. To listen to Him. To know Him.

Wanting does feel different.

I don't want to be here. I need to be here.